Battle With the Heart
by easternfront
Summary: When is is OK to fall in love again? Kurt finds love in NY but not when he was looking or waited to be found. Kurt/OC, slight reminders of past Kurt/Blaine.
1. Chapter 1

Kurt was spewing quietly inside and kept twisting his hands against each other as the train crawled towards home. After awhile he started to play with the shoulder strap of his trusted Jacobs bag which he refused to give up. It was currently stuffed with proof reading and sketches he hadn't shown to anyone yet, he would next week, he would. His iPod had run out of power few minutes back but he kept the earbuds on because that stopped anyone from addressing him. Today was not the day to be kind or answer with civility and that, he had learned the hard way, was not unusual in New York at all so with a slight pride in his mind he thought maybe he was adapting.

Train stopped entirely in the middle of the tunnel and he could sense the collective sigh and disappointment that emanated from the hot and stuffy cart. Everyone, including Kurt just wanted to get home on this friday, getting stuck on a subway was not part of that plan. At least his stop was the next one if the train ever decided to move from its place. So Close but Yet So Far: The Kurt Hummel Story he snorted. So close, but never really there like today's carrot dangling in front of him. He was almost ready to pitch a story about Off-Broadway theaters and their costume department people to one of the junior editors but instead of listening to what an intern had to say she was planning on going to Providence to find more about an organic shoemaker who made womens stilettos from wood. Kurt was more than certain she used that as an excuse so that she would be able to spend time with his boyfriend who lived in Boston.

In a rational thought process Kurt knew he couldn't expect anything from him to ever make into finished magazine but he wanted at least give it a shot. He had spent a good part of last month of his own time talking to the dressers and costume makers about their dreams and visions about theatre and what they imagined could be translated into stages from modern fashion trends and he wanted someone else to take an interest as well. But so far if it wasn't quirky or sexy enough and wasn't going to make it.

He had tried hard keeping up for the last five months but always felt his ideas were too much of...Ohio. Too midwestern, which made Kurt laugh again: in Ohio he was too much everything in New York he was not enough of anything. It was good to laugh at himself, without laughing at himself and Rachel he would have lost it during those first weeks after moving to New York. Everything had come in huge tidal waves and everything was new and terrifying. When he had left Lima he'd been full of confidence which was soon placed into its correct level: _everyone_was confident and certain of their faith in New York. You had to be if you wanted to make it.

Just few days after Kurt had moved in with Rachel he had noticed a pattern she had: she would come home throw all her stuff into a big pile next to the door and disappeared to the bathroom for a while without saying even hi or ask Kurt how his day had gone. Rachel obviously found school daunting and kept weeping in the bathroom because she was too embarrassed to complain to Kurt. After listening her for two weeks he had knocked on the bathroom door and asked Rachel to come out:

"I know what you are doing in there. You might as well do it on the sofa, it's much more comfortable there."  
"I...I can't. You don't...need to...see it."  
"See what? You ugly crying? I've seen it countless of times. Besides the bathroom has terrible echo and I can hear you in the kitchen like you would be sitting right next to me."

Kurt could hear Rachel scoot to the other side of the door:  
"You wouldn't mind?"  
"Would I mind if you cried in front of me? No. Do I want you to cry? No. But we both would feel better if you didn't feel the need the hide that you're feeling bad."  
He heard the hook being lifted and soon he was staring down into Rachel's bloodshot eyes. She was sniffling to a piece of toilet paper and scrunched her nose:  
"I really do look horrible when I cry don't I?"  
"Nobody cries beautifully."  
"You can if you practice."  
"Are you saying we should practise how to cry nicely?"  
"No! Not nicely...beautifully, like an angel."  
Kurt took Rachel under his right arm and walked her towards their tiny kitchenette living room:  
"Now how would either of us know how angels cry?"  
"We should watch Gone With the Wind again, Vivien Leigh cries like an angel."  
"Vivien Leigh cries like Scarlett O'Hara."  
"Yes, beautifully."

Kurt plunked her down on the sofa and fetched a glass of water from the kitchen. Rachel took the glass hesitantly:  
"Is it from a bottle?"  
"Yes, it's from the bottles your dads left for you. Speaking of which there is nothing but water in the kitchen. Feel like going out for a wander around the block or two? Find a nice diner with real food? I still haven't seen nothing but the trains and offices."  
Rachel nodded vigorously and took Kurt's hand:  
"I know I can be arduous but I really love it that you are here with me."

Kurt smiled back at her and pulled her up:  
"Now why would you be arduous, I would call you more of a nuisance or a pest."  
Rachel poked him in the ribs:  
"Yeah let's go and take the neighbourhood...but we have to get back before dark."  
"Why?"  
"Dads told me to never wander aimlessly after dark. And we are going to do serious wandering whilst looking for this magical food right?"  
"Yes, we'll do some magical wandering right here in Brooklyn, looking for that magical food."  
"My magical unicorn."

Kurt looked at Rachel with piercing eyes:  
"I don't know if I like to be a unicorn anymore. Not now that we are here. I'm not a unicorn anymore right, I'm just a regular horse?"  
"You're not a horse...who says something like that?" Rachel's face was full of horror.  
"It's just what dad...oh no, no one's called me a horse." She seemed to be relieved.  
"Good, I was afraid I'd have to defend you. I can deliver mean kicks. Finn showed me how to kick someone properly in the nuts if needed."  
"To you too? Oh, my little protective fairy." Kurt laughed at the idea of Finn showing Rachel defensive moves and at the same time being afraid that she would actually land one. Rachel could be swift and vicious if need be. After that night Rachel eased up and did not run directly to the bathroom to cry but would more than often join Kurt for a walk or watch a movie or TV together. Still he could sense she was hesitant to talk about problems she had at NYADA. Kurt wasn't sure if he was OK with it or not.

Kurt had nodded off slightly and tipped to the right when the train resumed service. He pulled the quiet earbuds of his ears and rolled them back to his pocket. He walked over to the doors and leaned against the pole. He needed a shower and a proper relaxing weekend. Maybe he could occupy the bathroom and run a bath to that tiny bath and read the latest french Vogue he had grabbed from work.

Just as the train was pulling into the station he felt a hand dig under his peacoat and squeeze his ass roughly. He slightly jumped away from the grab and let out a small yelp that was so quiet none of the people surrounding payed attention to it. He spun around angrily towards the grabbing hand and the owner of it and was soon face to face with a man in a suit and a grimace on his face.  
"It just begged to be violated like that and grabbing on a pole as well...perfect specimen for little exploration." Man was lightly leaning in and his tone was dark and quiet. Kurt was baffled and grabbed his satchel so that it was wedged between him and the man:  
"I'd appreciate if you would at least say please first or enquire if I wanted to be violated." he retorted with a raised voice and a frown on his face.

"Your ass looks too good to be true so I had to verify it's potential. See I sell futures and I have to make sure my prognosis was correct." Man was smiling widely now.  
Kurt felt the train slowing down.  
"Well good for you, less good for me since I don't get any of the benefits."  
"You could...it's obviously your stop and I'm not in any hurry, mind if I tag along? Take you out for a test drive?"  
Kurt could feel his pupils dilating and his pulse rising. He felt he was out of words and out of place. The man was leaning closer as people began pooling around him to exit the doors:  
"So what do you say? Do you want me to shed all those layers and show you good times with this?" Man was now whispering near his ear.

Kurt didn't need to look as he knew where the man had placed his own hand. When the train pulled to the station and the doors slid open Kurt started to back out with a bow:  
"No thank you, not today." He turned and practically power walked out of the train, out of the platform and station, afraid to look back incase the man had decided to follow. 'No thank you'! What kind of smart answer was that, like he would even consider doing anything with some man that grabs peoples asses in a commuter train. He was getting angry at himself, he should have kicked the guy in the nuts. He stopped a block from their apartment and finally looked back. There was no one following him or nothing out of place in the neighbourhood. He took a deep breath and headed home.

He walked up the stairs and dug his keys from the bottom of his bag. A small unicorn keychain given to him by Brittney dangled from the keys as he opened the lock. All the lights were glaring and Nickelback was booming from the speakers. Kurt stopped baffled by the door and looked around:  
"Rachel? Are you home?" Music was loud enough to damp his hollering. Two grey bags laid spread open under the coat rack and someone was coming out of the bathroom shouting:

"Finn! Finn?! I don't need anything from the store, I'll eat when I'm meeting dad!"  
Kurt took a step back as a naked man was suddenly standing in front of him looking as puzzled as Kurt certainly himself was looking as well. What was this? Why was there a strange guy standing naked in the middle of their apartment and where was Rachel?


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt instinctively moved his hand towards the big umbrella stick lying against the coat rack and was ready to take a good swing and then run as fast as he could. After years of practise his old run and hide reflexes were still working and counting the distance from the threat was full on. As the man took a step closer Kurt dropped his bag and went for the umbrella.

"Whoa, whoa! I'm not...I'm supposed...oh shit, ow!"  
Kurt took a swift stab that landed at the man's right side and continued simultaneously move away from him:  
"Where's Rachel? Don't move!" Kurt was retreating into the hallway and already regretted dropping his bag; his phone was in the bag. He was making quick and erratic movements and tried not to trip into anything. Maybe he could first run to Mrs. Groberg's apartment and call the cops, her door was always wide open into the hallway because of her cats. Did she have a bolt on her door? Could he outrun the man? Probably not but he had the advantage of knowing which way to go and surely he would not follow Kurt out into the corridor naked. But Rachel must be somewhere in here she said she was coming straight home after classes. Oh god why wasn't she answering?  
"Rachel! Rachel are you here?" His voice was cracking under the stress.

The man was now rubbing his side and had raised his right hand up defensively:  
"Do not panic. I'm not going to harm you. Remain calm and nothing will happen to you. I'm First Captain Joseph Harmon from West Point Military Academy, New York and I assumed that Finn Hudson had a right to enter this apartment. The current situation suggests otherwise."  
He was stretching his side as he was talking in a quiet and calming way while stepping slowly away from Kurt.

Kurt was entirely baffled and lowered the umbrella:  
"Finn's here?"  
"Yeah, at least he was until...he wasn't." Joseph looked around as Finn would magically appear out of nowhere in this tiny apartment.  
"I didn't know. He didn't say anything last week when he called." Kurt placed the umbrella back into the coat rack and slowly walked back inside.

Joseph was holding his forehead half hiding his face:  
"Boy that was a bad introduction and calming down attempt. I really need practise on that. And you are not even an alien."  
"An alien?"  
"It's a joke we have, how to address the aliens if we ever come across one."  
Kurt was tilting his head.  
"I know it sounds weird, it's a joke...it should be fun. No? OK, not really fun then."  
"You would say 'remain calm and nothing will happen to you' to an alien with ray guns and lasers?"  
"What lasers?"  
"Don't the aliens always have ray guns and lasers?" the moment Kurt noticed his realistic tone in his question he began blushing: Was he an overgrown five year old Star Wars fan?  
"Yeah, yeah...they do don't they?" Joseph answered with a smile. "It would take more than words to calm down a ray gun equipped angry alien with an umbrella as a back up."  
"Much more."  
Kurt crouched down to pick up his bag and became acutely aware of the fact that there was a First Captain Joseph Harmon standing naked in front of him. Kurt had for a moment paused his eyes to Joseph's dick and panicked at the thought that the man was going to notice it. He coughed and looked down. Joseph seemed to be completely oblivious to the fact that he was still standing naked in front of a stranger in a strange apartment with the front door fully open into the hallway. Kurt fiddled with the buttons of his coat and Joseph continued to talk:

"I guess he forgot to mention and this was not planned at all. We only decided to come here since we found out about our free weekend on Wednesday." he was now leaning into the wall and was still rubbing his side.  
"That was some mean footwork, have you been practising martial arts or some other weird shit?"  
Kurt unbuttoned his jacket and folded it neatly in his arms:  
"Just years of practise in avoiding assholes. I'm so sorry. I've never in my life hit anyone but I had a stressful day and met an idiot on the way home...I know that's not an excuse to strike at..."  
"No stop it. It's OK, it's going to be fine. Little rough education is always needed. But to return to your earlier question, I don't know where Rachel is. She's that tiny girl right?"  
"Yeah, the tiny girl."  
"Well she and Finn must have left together. He said something about getting food since there isn't anything in here." Joseph was generally pointing towards the kitchen.

Kurt nodded and remembered suddenly that he hadn't cooked anything in days. The fridge probably looked like a burial ground for sandwich wrappers and food boxes. He and Rachel had recently returned to their secret love of take-outs and the last time he had done anything in any kitchen had been on Christmas when he had gone home to see dad and Carole.  
"We don't stock that well." he huffed and placed the jacket neatly to the hallway shelf. For a moment they stood in a tranquil silence and looked each other directly in the eyes. Joseph's eyes were dark brown, almost black. His left eyelid was slightly squinting and for a while they kept blinking in unison.

Joseph was the first one to shift his gaze and Kurt could sense he had for some reason noticed the glaring fact of his nudity. He slowly placed his hands in front of his privates and looked stunned:  
"This is odd, huh?"  
Kurt couldn't tell whether it was a question or a statement. They were still glaring each other in the eyes as they heard someone bang the buildings front door shut and that someone stomping up the stairs. Kurt took a deep breath:  
"I think now would be a good time to get dressed." He could recognise Finn's elephant steps from anywhere. Joseph passed Kurt just inches from his shoulder as he headed back to the bathroom.

The smell of shampoo and after shave lingered in the hallway around Kurt when Finn was screeching at the doorway:  
"Hey man, I knew you would come home when I went for food." Finn turned Kurt around and engulfed him into a long and tight hug. Finn had bulked up significantly for the last few months during his stay at a Preparatory School. Suddenly Kurt made the connection. Finn was a student at the West Point prep and this guy came from _the_ West Point.

He had missed Finn during Christmas since he had decided not to come home. Carole had been visibly upset about it but hadn't said anything at least so that Kurt would have heard. It hadn't been clear as to where Finn had actually spent the Holidays. Rachel was under the assumption that he had been at Lima with Kurt and Burt had just assumed that he'd spent the entire time at the campus with rest of the guys. But Kurt knew better though: his facebook update had for a moment shown his location before Finn had taken the feature down. By the 24th of December his update was sent from Tennessee and then on the 31st from Florida. Messages themselves were not that impressive. 'Enjoy the Holidays everybody' and 'Getting ready to change the year!' accompanied with a picture of a six-pack. Kurt had just laughed but now he was getting intrigued of this new, all grown up Finn that was having serious big secrets all of a sudden.

"Man I hate how everything here is so expensive and organic." Finn scoffed as he let go of Kurt.  
"Organic is good for you."  
"Is not if it costs an arm and a leg." Finn headed for the kitchen.

"I took the liberty of buying celebratory food since it's our weekend off. So nothing healthy in these bags. Although I remember throwing a can of peas and bag of nuts somewhere in here." he was rustling the insides of two shopping bags from the closest supermarket.  
"And I got us few films to watch. You guys do have a DVD because my laptop's been broken for ages." Kurt sat by the table and watched Finn unpack his shoppings, they were definitely his shoppings including two gallons of milk, selected assortment of meats and a huge pile of pop tarts and microwave popcorns. After he had gathered all the stuff in the middle of the table both boys watched the pile with hunter-gatherer enthusiasm. Finn was practically drooling as he lifted a big tub of ice cream above his head and became all clerical:  
"Oh thou, our holy Ice Cream. Do you have any idea how long it has been since our last gathering. You shall be plentiful and move straight to our bellies and thighs. To some thighs more than others." He winked at Kurt who tried to kick his shin.

"No seriously, I can't remember the last time I had ice cream. It's not allowed." Finn puffed as he sat down.  
"Who's saying you can't have any ice cream?"  
"Me." Joseph's voice made Finn turn abruptly around.  
"Oh, sorry for not telling you I went. I had to...well we continued our discussion with Rach outside and... Well anyway, Kurt this is Joseph Harmon, Joe this is my brother Kurt."  
"Hello. Nice to meet you." Joseph stepped ahead with his hand held out for a handshake. Kurt looked confused as he shook his hand. Well they _had not_ been introduced properly:  
"Kurt Hummel, nice to meet you." the grip was firm and long. They kept shaking and Joseph looked inquisitive:  
"Kurt Hummel. Hummel, wait?" he pulled his hand away from Kurt and pointed at Finn.  
"Hummel? The Hummel?." Finn raised his hands above his head and pretended submission.  
"I know, I know gross nevotism, nepotism or favoritism or whatever it's called."  
"Aah, I smelled something fishy. Never mind."  
Kurt's face must have looked out of place because when Joseph sat down he and Finn both shared a slight laugh.  
"Finn just never shared how he got the recommendation and now I found out his secret."  
"Dad's written you a recommendation? For what?"  
Finn looked serious:  
"For West Point Academy silly."  
"He can do that?"  
Joseph cut in:  
"Yes he very well can."  
"Oh."

Kurt was now wondering whether he should pay more attention to things. Ever since their break-up...Kurt took a deep breath:  
"I'm glad that he can help."  
Finn was looking serious:  
"I'm not sure he did it with agreeing to what I want but nevertheless it is appreciated."  
He had tensed his shoulders and started to rip the plastic cover off from the popcorns.

Joseph tried to ease the conversation:  
"So Hummel, how long have you had to endure this big guy here for?"  
"Few years, several actually, but I'm not sure Finn would have been comfortable admitting to that three years ago."  
"Really?" Joseph had a weird look on his face as he turned towards Finn.  
"Yeah, since little brats in primary school." Kurt nodded. Finn stood up and smiled:  
"You were a way bigger brat all the way to high school."  
"Oh really, Mr. Hot Tub?" Kurt snickered.  
Now it was Joseph's turn to look baffled  
"Well he was quite the little nai..." Kurt didn't get to finish the sentence before Finn was tackling him and carrying him away from the table towards the bathroom.  
"You don't dare to say anything or I'm soaking your clothes."  
"I will. I will scream. Put me down." Kurt was giggling now. "Aren't soldiers supposed to protect Americans?" he screeched towards Joseph. Finn stopped and soon Kurt's feet met the floor. Finn was looking at him said in a quiet voice so that they would not be overheard:  
"I've really missed you guys. I wanted to come home but I just couldn't. I really don't know why. And then I thought it was good idea to come here but I don't know now."  
"Because of Rachel?"  
"Yeah. I wasn't ready."  
"Where is she anyway? Joseph said she was here when you came." Kurt swallowed and waited for Finn to realise his slip of Joseph and him already meeting before he returned from his shopping. Finn didn't seem to notice.  
"We, well I guess we had an argument. She said she was going over at some friend from school. Brandy or Blake or something. I said you'd OK with me staying here for the weekend. You are OK with me staying here right?"  
Kurt smiled:  
"Yeah, I'm OK that you are here." He pulled Finn for another hug. He seemed so different, so adult.  
"Do you want to talk about Rachel?"  
"No. Do _you_ want to talk about Blaine? No. There is nothing to discuss. We'll sort it out don't you dare to worry. I won't have it." Kurt nodded. He valued Finn's endearing honesty, he sure as hell didn't want to talk about Blaine so why should he expect Finn wanting to talk about Rachel.


	3. Chapter 3

Finn popped open his third beer and toasted with a loud cheer:  
"To...to what haven't we toasted yet?"  
"To horrible painted ceilings and those who dare to live under it!" Joseph added while straining his neck to look up at the apartments light brown ceiling.  
Kurt was now entering a defensive phase and protested:  
"I have asked from the landlord if I could paint it again but recently I've grown to like it. Or then I grew tired of reasoning to that quite awful man about retail values and whatnots. It's quite unusual...interesting."  
Joseph laughed with a vicious and short ting. "Everything around this apartment is interesting and soft."  
Kurt withdrew his eyes back to his hands. He hated how quickly a stranger was making him feel uncomfortable and shy in his own apartment. Admittedly he had gone slightly crazy with pillows and curtains but everything looked immaculate and comfortable and textiles were the only thing they were allowed to decorate the apartment with.  
Finn was now looking up:  
"Naah, it's not interesting, it's brown." and seemed to be exuberantly delighted with his statement.

"I think I need to go to that tiny bathroom. I need a pee and something else and I'm already feeling claustrophobic about the idea of spending time in that box." Finn jerked up from his chair and turned to Joseph:  
"Don't you dare to touch my beer."  
"I won't, I promise."

As Finn stomped to the bathroom Joseph took the last sip from his beer and stood up:  
"I guess I should be leaving if I intend to be downtown by eight-thirty."  
"You're meeting someone?" Kurt followed his movements and stood up wrapping his arms around his body.  
"Yeah, I think I'll be seeing my dad...if he remembers."  
"You get a weekend off and he doesn't remember that?"  
"It's not summer camp that I attend Kurt. I get weekends off quite often, it's just that I don't like spending them in New York that much. This town is full of crazy and uptight people."  
"Did you grow up here?"  
"No."

Kurt was expecting for him to continue but instead Joseph moved towards the door and grabbed his coat from the bag left lying on the floor. Kurt was standing in the middle of the kitchen with having to look at the back of the retreating man. Of course the awkwardness had returned now that their Finn sized bumper had disappeared to the toilet. He decided not to be affected by the defensive and closed up attitude from the man so he went to the small counter and started to doodle around with coffee maker. It looked like Finn was going to stay awake for a long time so he needed the caffeine to keep up.

As he was draining fresh water from the tap he was directing words to Joseph without looking at his direction:  
"Finn will probably be out of it by the time you get back so can you estimate at what time you'll be roughly getting back so I know it's you who tries to get into the apartment. Rachel might also come home and I don't want her to get scared of a stranger trying to enter our apartment. I'll push the coffee table to the side so the air mattress will fit to the floor. Or have you got that superior sleeps in the couch system going on? In that case it's your job to haul Finn if he falls asleep to the wrong place, meaning the couch where I intend to plonk him."

Kurt turned to look in the hallway but suddenly had to back up ever so slightly to find Joseph standing right next to him, leaning to the fridge. His eyes were sad and gleaming as he was looking at the photos attached to the fridge door. Kurt had only recently started adding his own important pictures next to Rachels. There were dad and Carole smiling widely at their wedding, Kurt and Mercedes hugging each other in the choir room, the Berry family and and then the ominous but bittersweet Glee Club picture from last years nationals which Rachel insisted that they'd keep there for reference of success. Kurt didn't really see why he allowed it to stay there since it didn't mean that much to him anymore. Weren't the fridge photos supposed to be inspiring and loving? All Kurt wanted was to forget his senior year. Instead of fighting Rachel about it he kept digging Finn's smiling face from under Rachels curriculum where it mysteriously seemed to disappear quite often.

"Who are all these people? Family?"  
Kurt moved closer and began pointing the people in the pictures.  
"Well that's dad and Carole, I suppose I could call her mom by now. That's Mercedes, my best friend she's living in LA so not seeing her that often, hence the photo. Rachel's dad's and well Finn and then the Glee Club. At the nationals."  
"Nationals, like competition nationals?"  
"Yes, show choirs compete. There's a rule book, celebrity judges and all."  
"So were you guys any good?"  
Kurt thought for a while before answering and Joseph cut in:  
"Are you thinking because you don't want to seem overly smug or then you are thinking that you were not really that good." Kurt laughed:  
"No, we were really good, a little bit mismatched perhaps but good. On the other hand I spent nearly a year in a competing Glee Club so I shouldn't be so appraising. I liked those guys as well"

"There isn't any pictures of them, were you infiltrated and trying to sabotage? That would be hard core for a show choir guy like you."  
"What is a show choir guy?" Kurt sneered.  
Joseph turned to face Kurt who was now taking a small step back.  
"I don't know, a guy who likes to sing for a championship leveled choir." he seemed genuinely unphased by Kurts tight tone.

"We were not good when we started but practise makes perfect. Dalton might win this year though because McKinley is only just now starting to pull together." Kurt sighed at the thought. He had talked to Tina just last week and she seemed overwhelmed by everything that was going on. New Directions had barely passed sectionals this year and regionals were going to be tough push.

"I think the guys are trying to find their voice if I'd be bold enough to use a cliché. And apparently being a national champion in singing isn't an advantage in Ohio. Still I'm probably rooting for both of them Dalton and McKinley. Vocal Adrenaline can go and suck a duck."  
"Suck a duck? Boy you must hate them then."  
"No. I just hate losing to them."  
"That is what Finn keeps saying too: 'I hate losing'. It's like everyone I come across from Ohio is out to prove something. Are you out here to prove something?" Joseph was edging closer and leaning his arm on top of the fridge. Kurt had to tilt his head upwards to connect their eyes. He wasn't going to back down.  
"Prove something to who? To you? I don't have to come to New York to prove anything."

Annoyance made his voice rise and he pulled up from his slouch. Now standing straight he was facing directly at Josephs closed eyes.  
"I went to Afghanistan to prove something...without success. Finn and you don't have to you already know who you are." He flashed his eyes open turned his head towards Kurt's ear and his breathing became superficial. Instead of doing anything he was just whispering as if telling a playground secret:  
"I really don't want to go and see him today."

Kurt was unease with the tone, desperation and the sheer feel of proximity oozing from the man and the words. He held the coffee pot still in a tight grip and saw Joseph twirling with a short green scarf between his hands. He shifted his weight and eased his frame so that his hip leaned into the counter and bit his lower lip. Unsure as to what he was supposed to say he made an elaborate fast tracked move with placing the pot back to its slot but missed it by few inches and realised that it was going to fall directly to the floor. Both men moved to grab the dropping pot and collided against each other and resulted Joseph to bang the corner of his eye to Kurt's forehead. Their hands were tightly wrapped around the handle and the bottom. Kurt could feel Josephs iron grip on top of his own hands and the throbbing pain began spreading across his head after the collision. Joseph pulled in air and a hot puff of exhale landed to Kurt's face.

"Fuck. You intent on getting me to the ER today aren't you."

They could both hear the toilet flushing and Finn cursing loudly at something before rushing out:  
"I already hate that bathroom. You can't even concentrate reading without the walls falling down on you. And seriously there is not a single surface left in there saved from all your products...Kurt!" Finn was looking at Joseph holding to his eye.  
"What is going on here? I take few moments to take a dump and...oh shit you're bleeding."  
As Joseph lifted his hand from covering his eye a small thin line of blood rolled down the side of his face.  
"So I see." was his laconic retort.  
Kurt felt queasy and began apologizing profusely.  
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Joseph, I didn't mean to. Oh god!" He was tearing the paper towel from the rack so forcefully that it kept unravelling long after he stopped his pulling. Joseph accepted a wad of paper and pushed it against his head.  
"It'll stop soon. It isn't that big cut. Finn you should have warned that I was going to need my battle gear in here." He was laughing now and for a few moments Finn was hesitant whether he should be joining the fun or not.

Kurt was rapidly calming down and grabbed the papers Joseph was holding.  
"Joe."  
"What?"  
"Call me Joe. Only my mother and officers call me Joseph."  
"Oh, OK. Just sit down and let me look. Finn, get the disinfectant from the bathroom. It's on the top shelf. Clear bottle with screw cap." Finn nodded and moved without protest.  
"I'm sure it does not need cleaning. I just have to stop the..." Kurt swatted Joes hand away from the cut.  
"Let me see." Kurt was now hovering right around Joes head. The cut was still bleeding slightly but wasn't that big. He discarded most of the kitchen towels and yelled at Finn:  
"Bring also those cotton pads from the pink makeup bag and band-aids from the first aid kit." Something thumped to the bathroom floor:  
"Fuck, shit, shit!"  
"Are you OK in there?" Just bunch of muttering resonated from Finn's direction.

"It's like sending a bull to a china shop." Joe was now smiling.  
Finn stumbled next to them and left instantly back to the bathroom:  
"I have to pick up...well fix the..." Kurt grabbed few pads and dipped them in disinfectant and was about to clean the wound when Joe grabbed his hand:  
"Be gentle, I'd be terribly embarrassed to faint here."  
""I'll promise not to hurt you anymore. I think I've done enough damage for today."

Kurt pressed and wiped around the wound and Joe let out a hiss. As Kurt was cutting and unwrapping the band-aid he sat opposite Joe and stopped for a while. Joe was now looking down at his hands and kept swallowing so that his adam's apple bobbed up and down.

"Why don't you want go see your dad?" Kurt was genuinely interested because he could not imagine not wanting to see his dad. It was odd asking so upright something like this from a man that might have issues about it but for some reason he just had to make Joe feel better or at least understand him more. Joe looked at the half unwrapped band-aid and shook his head a little:  
"I don't want to go into it now. Plaster up, I really have to get going." his tone was now the same, monotonic rude grunting. Despite his initial feelings of wanting to plonk the band-aid in its place hard Kurt took extra effort not to cause the slightest discomfort and slowly peeled it to its place just above the eyebrow.

"There! You are ready." Kurt was getting up when Joe stopped him with placing his hand on his knee:  
"I'm sorry. I'm really rude if you hadn't noticed it. I...I will get back to you on that one. On your question I mean. You'll be here tomorrow?"  
"Yeah, I don't have anything better to do."  
"Good. Well, good then." Joe stood up and placed the chair back to its place. He turned and walked to the door.  
"Oh, and I'd say I'll be back around midnight. So three knocks and a password to get in right?"  
Kurt smiled and gave an awkward salute to which Joe replicated in a rigid manner and disappeared into the hallway.


	4. Chapter 4

Kurt woke up to the ruckus rising from the street below. He wistfully threw the covers away and tiptoed to the window. A dog walker was being chastised by Mrs. Groberg for not picking up the dog shit in front of the main entrance of the building. The dog poo piles were actually quite the nuisance around the block and it took many near hits to his Martens and dress shoes to start hating all those slippery time bombs which Rachel, as it had turned out, was quite inept at avoiding. More than once Kurt had been elevated into the official dog poop remover of their household because Rachels sheer gagging during the process was hard to watch and it was quicker and more efficient if he did it.

Mrs. Groberg was now shouting profanities at the back of the woman walking the dog. As she turned to waddle inside she noticed Kurt at the window and joyfully waved and shouted:  
"Morning sweetie! Had a nice get together last night?"  
Kurt shrugged his shoulders and smiled at her. She seemed to be content with that and disappeared inside the house. He most definitely didn't want the woman to come for a visit with her offerings of stale bread and endless smell of cigarettes, a smell that seemed to linger in the hallway and the fire escape stairs most days.

Kurt began shivering from the draft coming through the window. He pulled his loose gray cardigan on top of his night t-shirt and tamed down his bed hair with his hands. Despite being on a junk food diet the constant running around at work had kept his weight steady. Carole insisted that Kurt had lost weight but he knew better. All his clothes still fit perfectly and he hadn't had the need to take in any seams. Instead some shirts started to look uncomfortably tight at the shoulders and chest and he would probably try buying a size bigger next time he had the money to buy that turquoise plaid Prada shirt and then do take in the seams at the waist for that perfect fit.

He wrapped the cardigan around his frame and walked to the quiet kitchen. Finn was not snoring which was unusual. He laid prone on the couch with his feet hanging off from the other end. Joe was sleeping as a huge starfish in the middle of the air mattress which they had wrestled up in the middle of the room last night.

Finn had been utterly disappointed of the fact that Kurt hadn't allowed him to use the hoover to fill the mattress up.  
"No Finn, it's well past midnight and I don't want to wake up the entire house with that old ragged hoover!"  
"It'll literally take few seconds, come on man!"  
"No." Kurt was standing firmly between the cleaning cupboard and his towering brother. He felt the need to demonstrate that they were now on his turf and he would have the last say of what to do in this apartment.

Finn had turned into a agitated mess right after Rachel's call in which she informed them that she would be staying with "friends" as Kurt had told to eavesdropping Finn. Kurt knew better but didn't want to ruin the night by blasting that his former girlfriend was staying in a tiny apartment in Dumbo with a Montana mountain man. The nickname Kurt had given Brody made him giggle and Finn took this as an insult against him but didn't say anything as the door buzzer blasted through the apartment.  
"Instead you can use that energy you have left into pumping it full." he offered the pump in his hands towards Finn and went to buzz Joe in.  
"No I won't." he sulked and retreated to his phone.

Kurt unlocked the front door and leaned into the door frame. He saw Joe slowly walk up the stairs with his suit jacket casually thrown over his shoulder. He was looking tired and worn out but turned the sullen look to a small smirk when he realised someone was watching:  
"It's really cold out there. I should have taken a coat."  
"Yes, well it is January. Cold is a bitch." Joe stopped at the landing and stood in front of Kurt:  
"Restaurant was warm but atmosphere freezing. I take it that I have a place to rest ready." Joe pointed out the pump at Kurt's hands.  
"Well about that, your disciple refuses to do manual labor and I don't want to make noise. Rachel singing all day long already infuriates some of the neighbours enough. So we have a conundrum."  
"Well I'm sure there are enough space in that double bed of yours if it comes to that." Kurt jerked his head up with such speed that the muscles in his neck pinched a little and he squeaked:  
"It's not really a double bed..."Joe seemed to notice this and flushed:  
"No, no that's not what I meant. I'll be fine with the air mattress. Shall we...?"

Kurt turned and marched back in front of Finn:  
"It's now time to grow up and let everyone go to bed. I'm sure all of us have had a tiring week and some sleep would be appreciated."  
Finn didn't seem to acknowledge Kurt's demands.  
"Fine. Just fine. Then Officer Harmon has to do the work himself." Kurt turned over to Joe with extending the pump towards him.

Joe seemed amused at the interaction and at the sour face Finn was making but didn't reach for the pump but instead slowly sat down by the kitchen table:  
"I have no intention of doing anything tonight."

Kurt was left standing between the men. He could tell Finn was not really engaged at the small screen of his phone but was using it to avoid Joe's gaze. Kurt had seen Finn trying this same technique with Carole countless of times. Carole was usually too busy or hasty to battle it out with him but Kurt was interested in how this stand-off was going to end. Remaining standing in the middle of the floor for awhile made him realise that he was awfully tired. With a sigh and yawn he moved and sat next to Finn. Joe was kicking his shoes off without diverting his eyes from Finn who was now bouncing his leg up and down. As if pleading for help Finn looked at Kurt who lifted his eyebrows and handed the pump towards the moping man.  
"All right then!" he scoffed under his breath and began filling the mattress. Joe leaned back into the chair.

Kurt was now paying close attention to the man. He didn't seem overly happy about winning this argument but instead started to pick and rub a small stain that was just above the rolled up sleeve. White pinstriped shirt looked otherwise crispy clean and slacks were immaculately pressed and hugged his thighs and calves. Thin grey tie looked colour coordinated next to the grey stripes of the shirt. Three top buttons were opened and showed his upper chest. His hair was short but not too closely cropped. As Joe lifted his head after peeling his socks off he caught Kurt looking at him. He began smiling:

"I know it is terribly odd to see a man like me wearing a suit. I almost never do."  
"No, it looks good...the suit. It's a nice grey. Grey can often be dull when used wrong." Kurt was looking at his own night clothes and became awfully aware that he was only wearing pink-grey argyle print pajama bottoms and a grey oversized t-shirt that had a faded smiley Tweety bird at the front. He knew it was a mess but wearing old stuff from home made him feel safe and comfortable. Although he was glad that this time the t-shirt was not the one with a huge purple Barney at the front.

"I like your greys." Joe was nodding towards the shirt. Kurt pulled the tee over his knees and lifted his legs in front of his chest. Silence was cut only by Finns huffing and puffing as he pedalled the pump and the mattress slowly filled.

Joe loosened his tie off without cutting the eye contact with Kurt.  
"I like your suit. It's Boss isn't it?" Kurt felt weird playing dumb; as if he hadn't recognized the suit just seconds after he had seen it. Joe nodded:  
"Yes it is. This is the first proper suit that I had tailored and all."  
"I can see it." Kurt was nodding.

"How can you tell if suit is tailored or not?" Finn interjected from his pumping.  
"It sits well with the form Finn!" Kurt barked back.  
"Alright, alright! There, that should do it." Finn took a small jump and landed on the mattress with a high bouncing up and down. He then moved to the edge and was suddenly looking white and was leaning against his knees:  
"I'm feeling sick man. I feel like all that beef jerkey is crawling back up!" Without adding anything else he was off towards the bathroom.

"Please hit the toilet bowl!" Kurt was shouting after him.  
"That is what you get when you mix ice cream with anything." Joe was standing up and unbuttoned his shirt. He took it off and hung it at the back of the chair. "I've tried to educate him about the difference of proteins and carbs but it's really hard."  
"I bet."  
"When we train we try to include nutrition into their brains as well which I take it they really do not focus on high school teams in Lima?"  
"No they don't."  
"Well I guess technically he is off hours so it is really none of my business."

Kurt was breathing slowly and tried to come up with something to say about food and nutrition but couldn't come up with anything. Joe's white undershirt looked crumpled and it had some sort of crest above the left pec. Kurt felt ashamed and yet interested. He was looking at a man that wasn't Blaine or Finn or any guy that he had known previously and it felt all kinds of wrong but also all kinds of good. He remembered there was nothing wrong at looking and why would there be; he hadn't done that in months or felt the need to.

Suddenly he sensed uncomfortable holding his legs so close to his chest and abdomen but couldn't move without showing to Joe what was going on in his body. Joe was moving towards his bag now left laying by the couch and Kurt felt he should say something as a diversion and then try to retreat. As Joe stopped few feet from his bag and seemed to hesitate as to what to do next Kurt realised that he was sporting his own little predicament in those well cut trousers.

"I should be heading to bed and let you guys sleep since I'm sure Finn has all kinds of things planned for tomorrow and..." he jumped up and kept clinging to the already stretched hem of his shirt and started to edge around Joe towards his room.  
"I am sorry."  
Kurt stopped: "What?"  
"This is really inappropriate and I'm..." Joe took a big exhale with his back now turned to Kurt and readjusted himself before turning around: "I don't know what to say."

Kurt moved right in front of Joe and took his hand:  
"Don't apologize." He felt stunned but didn't falter. His hand felt clammy and he was holding Joe's hand at a weird angle so that his thumb was laid on top of Joe's knuckles. He could feel a tiny ripple of recently healed scabs under his fingers, like the man would have gone through a rose bush with his hands first. He moved his thumb around to trace the old cuts gently but didn't look down and felt Joe place his free hand on Kurt's upper arm. Kurt was taking tiny breaths and he could still smell the light whiffs of his cologne and shampoo left lingering from the earlier shower. Joe was smelling so different; exciting, raw and with a hit of the New York City air and whatever restaurant he had gone embedded into the pores of the skin.

They were both simultaneously leaning slowly in. Kurt tried to keep his eyes open for as long as he could. Joe's dark brown eyes weren't fluttering but challenging Kurt to move even closer. Kurt could feel Joe's breath on his lips before the man turned his head and body away with violent twist just seconds before Finn rumbled out of the bathroom:  
"I can't puke. I just have to lay down."

With Finn marching past them and throwing himself to the couch Kurt headed for his room. Joe squat down to his bag and continued to get ready for bed but turned his head to retreating Kurt.  
"Kurt?"  
Kurt looked over his shoulder:  
"Yeah?"  
You'll still be here tomorrow? I feel I am repeating myself like a parrot."  
Kurt nodded: "Yes. Good night."  
"Night."


	5. Chapter 5

"I want to go to Niketown and to that Apple store and to that FO toy store thingy...and where else? I can't remember." Finn was spreading peanut butter to his toast which cracked hilariously right in the middle spreading crumbs all over the table.  
"Shit!"  
"You have more bread around your plate than in your mouth." Kurt laughed and poured more coffee for himself. "We can go all to all those stores and FAO Schwarz Toy Store if I don't get called to work, son." Kurt assured patting Finn's arm with a smile.  
"I know, but ever since Home Alone I've wanted to go there, oh and I want to find out if I can still get tickets to tonights game at Madison Square Garden, I wanna see a proper NBA game. You wanna try for a ticket too man?" Finn turned towards Joe who was sitting quietly while eating his breakfast and listening to Kurt and Finn rattling away.  
"I don't know. If you can get two then I guess it's OK."  
"Hey, what if I want to go and see a match?" Kurt protested  
"I don't know, do you want to?" Finn looked astonished.  
"No, but I could have."  
"Yeah you could have but I knew you don't want to, so I jumped past asking you. If this a game to get me to say something inappropriate or rigg me otherwise then you can forget it, I've learned to be politically correct." Finn stuffed his mouth full with toast while smiling.

"Now is that so?" Kurt was smirking; he knew he could still play around Finn as much as he wanted to but suddenly felt that it would be silly and childish. So instead he nodded and turned to Joe:  
"So what are you planning to do today? Want to follow us in Finn's money spending journey or do you have something else planned?"  
Joe seemed to be unable to look at Kurt but instead focused on stirring his coffee while he spoke:  
"I don't know yet. I have to make few calls to find out. You guys just go ahead."

Kurt leaned towards Joe propping his head against his palm.  
"Just call me if you need company. New York can be lonely city for a young man like you." Kurt spoke with a dramatic femme fatale heroine voice, fluttering his eyelids and taking a smoke from his imaginary cigarette. Finn found it hilarious enough to scoff but Joe seemed to roll his eyes and stepped away from the table to rinse his mug.  
"I have Finn's number. I'll send a message if I'll see you guys somewhere in city."

Kurt looked away from the man and cursed himself in his head. This kind of stupid over-dramatic behaviour made people still think he was weird. This morning Joe hadn't said anything directly to him but had instead talked physically only to Finn about going for a morning run and joining breakfast with them after that. Kurt felt upset and stupid of his actions from last night. Taking his hand like that and basically pushing his face against Joe. He didn't know for sure what had been going on, maybe Joe had been drunk and thought about someone else altogether or maybe it was just him being tired. He had no idea how to tell if someone was interested or not. Even with Blaine his first instinct had been wrong. What if he had actually done something wrong? What if he had leaned in on a kiss that was unwanted? Kurt almost knocked over his mug with his violent jerk of his hand going over to his mouth to stifle a small wince.

Finn looked at Kurt and chomped down his last piece of bread:  
"You ready then? Can we go now?"  
"Yeah, yeah. Let's go."

Few hours later Kurt found himself standing next to a massive teddy bear and waiting for Finn to return from the Lego section. The waiting combined with seeing all these families; moms and dads with their kids made Kurt so homesick that he had to walk out of the store and lean into the wall outside the doors. He blinked his eyes rapidly and wished he didn't look like a man near a panic attack to the passers by. He didn't remember anything from the few previous hours except the enthusiastic 'Wows!'" coming from Finn all the time.

Sometimes New York seemed just too big and strange even after five months or maybe it was just his inability to let go of the past. He also should be wandering the city now that he finally could do it without feeling ashamed about his country pumpkiness around Finn.

He'd spent the first few months completely unaware how much he actually clocked inside the Vogue offices. Arriving with the very first workers just after seven and leaving just as the night janitors arrived before eight. Everything had been new and fascinating and something he had dreamed of doing since childhood. Knowing fashion news first hand and getting to touch and feel all the fabulous materials, cuts and seams which made him even more interested in his own designs and costumes. He loved it, he truly did. And he was good at it and people actually needed his research materials on daily basis.

Hand touching his shoulder made Kurt startle. He looked directly into Finn's eyes:  
"Sorry if I scared you. I thought you seriously pissed off and left me here alone. Please don't do that. I can't even remember which train to take to your place."  
Kurt turned unexpectedly and pulled Finn into a tight hug which seemed to take FInn by surprise:  
"Hey, hey what's wrong?" Finn's stupid little boy voice made Kurt sniffle. He would not cry, not again.  
"Nothing."  
"No shit nothing. You're about to cry in front of a toy store. Toy stores are supposed to be the happiest places in the world."  
"We're not kids anymore."  
"N...no...we're not. Look, I don't have to go to a game if you wanna hang out."  
Kurt hated not having a tissue but still wiped his single tear and his nose into his coat sleeve and looked at Finn:  
"You wouldn't mind?"  
"Heck no. Lets get some food I'm starving."  
Finn took a hold of Kurt's shoulders and leaned in:  
"Show me the way. I want to eat pizza."

As Finn was chomping down his pizza Kurt looked down on his delicious slice waiting to be eaten.  
"Are you sure it's OK if you can't go to a game because of me?"  
"I'm sure. You were the one who said to me that my life has just begun. I have time to see games, hundreds of them. Don't worry."  
Kurt took a sip from his soda and began eating his pizza. Finn seemed hesitant to ask something:  
"So, how was mom? I mean was she upset? On Christmas?"  
Kurt thought it for a while before answering:  
"I think she was a little. She never said anything but I guess she was hoping to see you then...Where were you?" Kurt looked as if he didn't know anything.  
Finn threw the crust back at the plate and took a gulp from his giant soda:  
"Here and there, around."  
"You're tanned. Anywhere nice?"

Finn seemed to get Kurt's drift and laughed:  
"You always know everything. I didn't realise these apps are sneaky and tell _everyone_ and not just me where I am. I was travelling with Joe. His mom lives in Tennessee and boy Sam isn't wrong: south is great!"  
"So you had an entire month off and you didn't think it would be nice to come and see Carole for just few days?"  
"I wasn't off. I was assigned."  
"What? To travel to Tennessee with a senior officer?"  
Finn thought long before answering:  
"Yeah, something like that. Look I'm serious. I wasn't dodging on seeing mom, we were not just going to that direction."  
"So you had time to celebrate the New Year with beers and sunny Florida?"  
"That was on extra time."

"It was some sort of special op?" Kurt snickered and raised his eyebrow.  
"I don't do special ops, I'm just a Candidate."  
"I just realised." Kurt kicked Finn under the table "You are a preppy!"  
"That's funny, really funny. How was everything in Lima?"  
"The same. Dad's new garage manager is giving him gray hairs and Carole gives now luncheons to the "ladies". We did duck a l'orange and white truffles with her for her New Dinner Chat Nights for the Politicians Wives of Ohio."  
"Really? Mom used to hate women like that."  
"I think she still does but dining with them once a month seems to keep them away from her life for the rest of the 29 days of the months."

"Why do I have a feeling that all you guys are thousand times smarter than I will ever be. It's like replacing find Waldo with find the Stupid."  
Kurt frowned and tried to look Finn directly in the eyes:  
"You are not stupid and don't say it out loud because mind can convince you of things that are not true. I convinced myself that I could not really sing last spring but at my heart I know I still can. I've just...stuffed it in."  
Finn nodded but still looked inquisitive:  
"How's Rachel? Is she doing OK in NYADA?"  
"I think she is now but it was hard at first. Recently she's been talking a lot about making it on her own and that spending four years inside sheltered walls is silly now that she finally moved out of home. Her dads are angry about that, especially Leroy."  
"Leroy IS a scary dude."

Kurt had accompanied Rachel to an open audition for an off-Broadway show where she had made it to the second phase but was then rapidly processed, chewed, thanked and sent on her way. The night was spent lying in the floor of their apartment calling everyone stupid and ignorant and then later, for Kurt, the night ended holding Rachels hair as she threw up in the wee hours of the morning.

When he'd been standing there in the sidelines of that dancing studio something old had stirred at the bottom of his stomach. Feelings he hadn't been able to locate. It seemed like focusing on clothes and trends all day long had left him clueless of his own desires and visions. Looking at Finn's uncertain face made him realise that perhaps he had left Lima and Kurt Hummel _too_ far behind.

"He's just extremely protective of her, that's all."  
"I know it's like how Burt is with you. You will always know he fights in your corner. I'm just hoping he doesn't cut Blaine's breaklines."  
As soon as Finn let his last sentence out he realised it was out of place and almost knocked over Kurt's soda by spreading his hand across the table.  
"Don't..."  
"I know, I know. I don't know what I'm talking about...but then tell to me so I don't have to imagine the devils."  
"Blaine's not a devil...nor am I. I don't know what went wrong...nothing I suppose and everything."

Kurt knew he wasn't making sense at all and Finn wouldn't understand. Just as he was about to continue Finn murmured:  
""There never is, a real reason is there? You just try to live your life right and sometimes things get lost? And losing something old and finding something new does not make you a bad guy right? I still like everyone involved, isn't that the main thing?"  
Kurt smiled meekly and took a small bite from his pizza. This was good, he felt good. No need to panic. Things would work out.

"You've become really smart recently."  
"I know." Finn chuckled. "But _you_ haven't thought about yourself recently. You're just wallowing and doubting."  
"I'm not wallowing, whatever that means for you."  
Finn smiled and grabbed gum from his pocket and started to put on his coat as he stood up:  
"Come on, go for it. I'm pretty sure he'd have my...blessing."  
"Go for what? Who'd agree to what?"

Finn winked and offered Kurt his coat. As he was placing it on Kurt's back he snickered again like a five year old boy:  
"He might be good at battles and handling crisis but he's no masterclass actor in hiding his desires our First Officer Harmon now is he? Now lets go and spend some New York money!" Finn tapped Kurt's shoulders and was heading out of the restaurant. Kurt twirled around and watched this new odd grown up Finn 2.0 slalom his way around the small tables towards the street. For the first time since dressing up as Lady Gaga Finn had truly flabbergasted Kurt.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time Finn and Kurt traveled back to Brooklyn a loud chattering echoed to the hallway from the apartment. Kurt threw most of the bags he was carrying to the hallway floor while FInn seemed to be more interested in Rachel's high pitched laugh coming from the living room. Around the small dining table was an interesting collection of people that were all folding something from colored paper and sipping on red wine from mug or some even directly from the neck of the bottle.

"What is going on in here?" Kurt questioned while pulling his scarf away from his neck.  
"Kurt!" Rachel sprung up from the table and ran to hug him.  
"This is a flower making and wine tasting party." she smiled widely to Finn's direction: "And you are both invited."  
"To whom are you doing these...flowers to?" Kurt picked up one and turned it around in his hands.  
"One of the girls from our elocution class is finally getting married next weekend and she desperately needed help decorating the dance hall they rented for the reception. That hall is bare and gray, so yours truly with little inspiration from Brody, came up the idea of these! They are so beautiful. We are almost down to five hundred can you believe it!"

Kurt had to admit that the flowers presented to him were lovely and the idea of helping someone decorate their wedding reception was sweet. Rachel was hugging him again tightly and planted a sloppy kiss to his cheek:  
"Do you want to do flowers with us? I bet you'll make beautiful ones."  
"We'll see. Hi Brody."

Brody had snuck up behind Rachel and presented a lovely looking bunch of paper flowers to Rachel.  
"Hey Kurt. I'm just going to get some more wine with Ron. Care to put these to the water for me?"  
Rachel giggled and suddenly looked towards Finn.  
"Finn, good to see you again. This is Brody. Brody this is Finn."  
The two men shook hands awkwardly around Kurt and Rachel and Finn was forced to drop his shopping to the floor. An iPad box slid out of the bag and drew Brody's attention.  
"Oh, that's the newest version. I've been meaning to get it but just now the budget is tight. I don't live here in the outer edges like these two."  
Brody leaned in and slightly pulled Rachel closer to his side. For a moment she didn't let go of Kurt and they looked like they were going to go for some sort of extended three way hug. Kurt could feel his back muscles tensing. Rachel suddenly ran towards her bag laying on the floor:  
"Get that one with the red bull on the label, I like that one. You do too Kurt!"

"I better get comfortable and prep for paper cuts then." Kurt started to pull off his jacket when his eyes were drawn to Joe sitting next to pretty blond girl and sipping wine from a see through plastic mug seen mostly on hospital wards. His self assuredness fled directly away from him and turned around to go back to his room. Instead of moving he found a Rachel sized obstacle clinging tightly to his side:  
"You must meet all the guys. I've been talking all about your audition piece, and that you work at Vogue..."  
"I work at their web division, not at the actual magazine..."  
"You work at Vogue, you go there every morning! Don't be silly. Come on!"

Joe had raised his head from the girl sitting next to him and was now watching Rachel's silly excitement. Kurt felt the need to pull away again but Rachel's iron grip from his arm led him to the table where someone had already poured a mug full of red wine for him. Kurt accepted the cup and took a sip from what turned out to taste one of the worst things he'd ever tasted. Not that red wine had ever been his favorite since April's introduction to it but this stuff was not good. Instead of drinking he sat down to the seat left vacant from Brody and decided to create the most beautiful paper flowers the people present had ever seen.

Someone turned the music louder and suddenly Kurt's ears were filled with The Best of 80's compilation songlist and small chattering and cheering coming from around the table. Entire space was filled with warmth emanating from all these people. He smiled and turned on the pleasant, happy and talkative Kurt and gave reassuring glances towards Finn who seemed to be overwhelmed by all the glitter and colour and girls floating around. Rachel was well on her way drunkenness to feel any kinds of awkwardness that had previously surrounded her and Finn's encounters. She was tying small roses together with glitter string to form a reef which seemed to resemble more of the work made by a pre-schooler than that of a college student.

Someone topped up his already full cup with more wine and grabbed his finished flowers off from the table. Joe was suddenly sitting next to him and took his cup away from Kurt:  
"I see you're not the lover of red wine. Do you mind if I continue?"  
"I...not..."  
"Here, take my Fanta, I'm already way on my way to silly drunkenness, so I don't mind drinking more of this...awful stuff." With a wide grin he gluncked a significant portion from Kurt's wine.  
"It's not that I don't drink. I mean I didn't before because...well I'm not an absolutist." he released the latest of his flowers with a sigh and turned towards Joe.  
"I have to know what's going on, even when I'm drunk. It's stupid I know."  
"It's not stupid, it's sensible, a good thing to do. I feel safe to drink here so I am. Drinking." Joe was laughing now.  
"How come I feel I'm fed with a subtle PSA?"  
"No way, I'm sure you can survive on your own just fine. Especially with a fine bouquet of roses like that." Joe pointed at the one's a short bubbly girl was trying to add to Rachel's reef.  
"You suggest that charm gets us away from harm?"  
"Charm works only so far, but wit lasts longer."  
"Are you witty or just a charmer?"

Joe seemed to think the question in honest and was going through some sort of inner battle:  
"I think I'm The Lone Ranger."  
"Oh great another macho reference I don't understand." Kurt let out a frustrated growl. and rolled his eyes.  
"Oh come on, you're saying you never watched The Lone Ranger? Not even by accident?" Joe seemed genuinely frustrated.  
Kurt smiled and poked him in the clavicle:  
"Of course I know what The Lone Ranger is! What I don't understand why would you use him as a reference to character."  
"I...well I strive to be the best man I can be. I want to be good for those who are good to me."

"Firstly I think that logic comes from about every holy scripture there is in the world and unfortunately world doesn't really work like that. It's a tough road to take. Goodness, cheerful attitude and honesty are not a appreciated qualities and they don't get you anything. Well it does get you something: an ulcer. Dad is right now probably having one because he tries to be the good man despite the odds. You cannot always be the "best man"." Kurt was flinging his arms to form air quotes.  
"Don't do that, it's pretentious."  
"Air quotes?" Kurt was doing them again.  
"No. Don't play the hard man card. You are one of the good guys, in here." Joe placed his palm to Kurt's chest and continued: "Just because people try to hide their goodness doesn't make them any less vulnerable to the others. If people hate you they hate you no matter how noble and good you are or how well you try to hide that. If you know that you are defending the truth and believing in others rights and self worth...that's a good man."  
"What if your truth is against another good man's truth? Isn't that the point. You'll always believe your own truths as long as someone shows you that you were wrong all along?"  
"Why would I be wrong if it's my truth. No one can change who I am. I can only just about change the world I live in, not the other man's."

"I _know_ all that, believe me I'm tired of trying to change people's opinions of me and as much I hate it, sometimes it's just easier to change yourself a bit to fit in..."  
"No, that's never OK." Joe's face was now stone cold. Wham's I'm Your Man blasting from the speakers was a stark contrast to his sullen face.  
"Giving up a part of yourself to please others is never good, never."  
Kurt exhaled with frustration like a dog that didn't just find the right position:  
"What if it's to save and spare the people you love?!"  
Joe leaned closer:  
"All I'm saying is that every time you give up something from your soul you die a little. If you are prepared to do that then you better make damn sure it's the right thing to do."

A drunken mumble turned their attention to the small man sitting opposite them by the table. He was heavily leaning to his hands and seemed amused:  
"You guys sure you are musical theatre students? Because...that's... way too...deep. Souls and shit!" He stopped his mumble to a fit of giggles and tipped over a empty bottle.

Kurt took a sip of the god awful wine and stared Joe. He became instantly aware of the man's palm still resting heavily on his chest. He leaned away from the hand but Joe followed and now he was even closer:  
"I didn't mean to offend. I'm sorry. I'm like a verbal rhinoceros. You have to stop me when I step the line."  
"No, you didn't..." Kurt took a hold of Joe's hand and placed it back to the mans own chest:  
"Why is trusting and loving someone so much that you'll be ready to give up a part of your soul bad? If letting go of that part makes you happy even for few seconds?" Kurt released Joe's hand and looked down to the half finished flower dropped to the floor.

"Because we could, no we should strive to be happy all the time, not just few fleeting moments. All the time."  
"You wanna be happy all the time?" Kurt looked around thinking he can not be having this kind of conversation in the middle of some flower making/wine tasting party.  
Joe chuckled and straightened in his chair:  
"Yeah, I wanna be happy all the time. If I'm lucky I'll live up to be eighty, and that's a with extreme good luck, I wanna be happy for most of that miserable time."

"Tell me what would make you happy then?" Kurt tilted his head and smiled.  
"You first."  
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath:  
"I want to stay healthy and in relatively good condition: I know it all starts with good abs and your back muscles should be on great condition. That's the only back you'll be given and you have to lug it around for that eighty odd years." Kurt opened his eyes and saw Joe smiling and he continued: "I want to be proud of my work. I don't even care what that is: I wanna be able to come home after every day and feel like I've done something good. I know I'm not going to be a doctor, too queasy for that, but doctors aren't the only ones cheering and changing this world. And most of all...I wanna make others feel...good about themselves. Make them feel loved and _happy_."

Joe waited for a long time before he spoke:  
"Those are all good, very good."  
Kurt took another sip from the mug: "Now you."  
Joe was twisting hands, the knuckles strained white under the skin.  
"I want everyone to know that I'd never leave them alone."  
Billy Joel was screaming about Belgians in Kongo and someone crashed a glass in the kitchen. Kurt took a hold of Joe's hands and stopped their twisting:  
"Who did you leave alone?"  
Bright shine was covering those brown eyes:  
"My brother."

The dropped class caused a commotion and people began moving around and the volume in the apartment rose to new heights. No matter how much commotion and shouting surrounded them right at that moment Kurt wrapped his arms around Joe and could feel the man starting to cry but his entire body was trying to fight the tears at the same time resulting strong tremors that shook both of them.

"We're leaving guys!" Rachel's shouting echoed from the door. Soon Kurt felt her alcohol fumed breath by his ears: "Kurt we have to leave or Mrs. Groberg's calling the cops. We're going to Lou's. You're coming..." Finn's deep voice hushed Rachel and pulled her away from Kurt and Joe. Kurt looked at his brother now dressing Rachel with a jacket. Kurt stared at the people leaving and Finn mouthing knowingly "Taking care of this" while pointing at Rachel. Kurt nodded and suddenly the entire apartment fell into silence and darkness: someone leaving last must have not noticed them sitting by the table and now they were surrounded only by the small glow coming from the small lamp placed next to the sofa.

Of course silence and NY silence were different. Kurt heard the stairs echo from the steps of the party people, the fridge humming slowly in the corner, cars passing by in the slush and someone's TV reciting the evening news. Kurt could also hear how Joe was gasping for air and how his neck veins throbbed blood next to his ear. Kurt wondered why this was the precise moment of the mans clarity and sadness. Getting and finding your way to somewhere amongst the screaming queens and prissy ballerina's of all the places. He just let Joe lean in and circled his hand slowly around his back like he remembered his mom doing when he was having a particularly bad case of bronchitis.

Dad had been standing by the doorway as if learning how to do all that soothing. Soothing and taking care off he'd actually quite morbidly had to learn how to do just two years later. Dad hadn't been the hugging kind of guy even after mom's death, but Kurt had learned to lean in as much as Burt had learned to lean back. It took years and years of practise for the Hummels to have the touch back. Joe was now the recipient of that learning and Kurt felt he was doing something good; he was making someone feel better. It just wasn't quite clear why he himself was also feeling better even though a silent stream of tears was flowing along his cheeks.

Joe's tremors seemed to calm down. Kurt took a deep breath and with strong and clear movements pulled Joe up from the chair:  
"Hey, you should get to bed. You can sleep in my bed, I'll go to Rachel's OK? It's no good to start setting that air mattress around at this time and I'm afraid that some of that lot might return and stomp on you."  
"OK." Joe followed his lead like a small child while wiping his eyes with the base of his palms.  
Kurt dropped him at the edge of the bed and pulled his sneakers off:  
"Even though these are dire situations Mr. Harmon, there is no way anyone is sleeping with their shoes on at my bed. I've always dreamed of being a valet."  
Joe was laughing and as if it was under his last breath with a weak voice he mumbled:  
"You know army officers used to have servants at the front line during the first big one."  
"Yes I do know and is that what they call that war in nowadays: the first big one?"  
"I don't know, can't remember. I'm not that good of a student."  
"I'm sure that's bullcrap. Now lay down. I'll get you an aspirin and some water to the bedside table here so you can take them now or in the morning..."  
Joe took a strong hold of his arm as he was leaving and whispered:  
"Thank You."  
Kurt smiled and threw the throw blanket over Joe.  
"You're welcome."

By the time Kurt had cleared out most of the glass shattered on the floor and found one god damned aspirin in the household and taken it to Joe the man had already fallen asleep. His breath came heavy through his snot blocked nose and Kurt felt the room was getting even colder now by the second. He walked across the room and pulled the other side of the bedcovers and flipped them over the sleeping frame of the man and tucked him in like he would in a game of snug as a bug. He sat down on the empty side of the bed and layed down kicking of his own shoes off. There was a pattern on the ceiling that you could only make out when the streetlights were lighting the dark room. A small, intricate pattern of lace wound down from the other end of the room all the way to the window. Beautiful piece of natures and human made glass combined. Before nodding off Kurt made a remark to one night draw that pattern and work it into lace design.


	7. Chapter 7

In the morning the heavy snowfall had changed into rain that was hitting the window panes with rhythmic pounding. Kurt was stirred from his sleep by a slight sniffle and clearing of throat emanating from his left side. He rubbed his eyes and turned to face Joe that was now just laying on his side and gazing Kurt right in the eyes:  
"Good morning."  
"Morning. Is it morning yet?"  
Kurt looked at his bedside table clock:  
"Yes it's definately morning. How's your head?"  
"It is fine. A bit muddled but otherwise just fine."  
Kurt sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees. From sitting up in the bed you could just see the heads of people that were walking in the opposite sidewalk. The rain made people walk faster and quirkier than usually and they would bounce and hurry between awnings and storefronts protecting their heads with newspapers and bags. What happened to old fashioned raincoats? Kurt could come up with dozens of different ways to incorporate a beautiful rain coat or an umbrella to your regular wardrobe. Not those hideous yellow ones though, they'd be difficult to camouflage into anything but to a fishing village somewhere in the coast of Maine or Nova Scotia.

"I find the rain soothing." Joe was lifting himself up and was now leaning into the headboard. "It's regular and makes things look organized and calm."  
"Rain means calmness to you?"  
"Yeah. Every summer we'd wait for these rains to come from the sea and just fill everything with water. It was fun just to stand outside and get completely wet. Like going to the shower with all your clothes on." Joe grabbed the glass of water and gulped it down with one go. "Thanks for this."  
"Where did you grew up?"  
"Mostly in Wilmington, North Carolina."  
"Mostly?"  
"Well mom tried to live in here as well..."  
"New York?"  
"Yeah, but it just didn't work out for her, not the way she wanted it to."  
"Your dad's from here right?"

Joe kicked his legs around under the covers and pulled his back straighter:  
"Mmm...well about my father. He lays his nest where ever it's the most convenient and where the authorities aren't looking for him in questions about short selling or insider trading. It's as if banks and investors don't care what he does as long as he's making money and not getting caught."  
"Wait, he's like a banker or one of those guys in the NYSE?"  
"Yeah, something like that. I thought he'd really go down in the big crash but he's like a snail, he moves slowly and unnoticed, but does move and gets around anyway."  
Suddenly Joe was laughing:  
"Well he has to be making money to pay all the alimony he's been ordered to pay. I shouldn't blame him so much, he did pay our clothes and living until we were eighteen."

"So he's not the kind of father that sticks to look after for his offspring?"  
"No, I don't think he really understands how many kids he's left loitering around in this world."  
"What? You're serious."  
"Yes. I've got a lot of half siblings out there. Dad can be a real charmer. Some of the kids he's even admitted to, god knows how many are part of familys on a non-DNA level."  
"Oh my god." Kurt covered his mouth and regretted looking so shocked. It made him look like a child and innocent.  
"OMG indeed."

"Is...was your brother really your brother or just in the army sense of your brother?" Kurt resumed hesitantly, not ready to face another breakdown from Joe that morning.  
"Yeah, he was. A genuine article. We were both born during the period in dad's life where he thought it was time for him to grow up and settle down. That phase lasted about four years until he found out that life in Wilmington and being a son-in-law to grandpa wasn't such a great deal after all."

Joe crossed his legs and continued to look to the window: "First he thought moving back to New York would bring back his good times but it made things worse: smaller apartment, restless mom and the difficult task of dragging his ass to home every night to that restless wife and two noisy kids. Kids that were always taking things apart and trying to escape from the fire escape stairs and wander around the streets because that's what we'd done back in Wilmington. Reality hit him hard. Six months after moving here he'd filed papers for the divorce and mom called grandpa to pick us up. Grandpa was the one that made sure dad walked out of the marriage without penny of mom's side of the family money."  
"What was his name?"  
"My grandad's? No you meant Tim. Timothy. He was a great kid, a bit unfocused most of the time, but a great kid. Much smarter than I'll ever be."

Joe was shaking his head with a smirk. Kurt casually smiled back and leaned his head to his knees.  
"What about you? I know you're from Lima like Finn right?"  
"Yes, home sweet home Lima. The Central Jewel of Allen County. The home of the McKinley Titans and corn."  
"Is that sarcasm I sense there?"  
"No just annoyance and...forget it. I don't hate Lima. Lima has dad and Carol and that's much more goodness than it deserves."  
"Everybody has to come from somewhere."  
"Is this where you say that in order to succeed you have to suffer?"  
"No. I don't know what it takes to succeed. Hard work? Talent? I'd like to have talent like yours. Your sketches are beautiful."  
"What do you mean?" Kurt recoiled and moved to the edge of the bed.

Joe seemed to be take this as a reprimand and a step too far and gave an uncertain face.  
"I might have looked through the sketchbook left lying at the kitchen counter before the flower terrorists attacked full force yesterday. I didn't realise what it was until I'd opened it."  
"Well you can't just do that! You can't just riffle through my stuff! Where did you put it?"  
"It's with the magazines on the sofa table..."

Kurt sprung up and walked to the messy living area and stormed the pile of old Vogues and Elle's lying there in the middle of paper cutouts and plastic cups. His trusted notebook wasn't there. He turned to another pile of Rachel's sheet music and threw them around until the entire floor around the sofa was covered with an array of music sheets and fashion magazines.  
"It's not here!"  
Rachel was standing leaning into a corner and rubbing her eyes:  
"What's not here?"  
"My sketchbook. I left it here yesterday and now it's gone." Kurt was now turning pots, trays and pans over at the kitchen counter in a feeble, panicky search.  
"You've messed up my showcase order Kurt! It'll take me forever to get these back in order!" Rachel screamed and knelt next to the music sheets. "They were in perfect order. Kurt how could you do this!"

Kurt had stopped in a dramatic pose with a tiny paper rose held between his hands. His eyes were filled with tears and his breath had become uneven: "Who's done this?"  
"You messed up my notes Kurt, I have..." Rachel shut her mouth and looked at what Kurt was holding with widened eyes: "Oh baby, oh no!"  
"Who did this!?" Kurt was now yelling.

Finn had sat up in the small uncomfortable couch and was just awakening to the noise: "Why do you two have to always be so noisy? Can't you solve matters simply by talking?"  
"Where's the rest of it!? Where!?" Kurt was now crawling around the floor in vain search for those small, light yellow roses like the ones he was holding in his hand. The real panic in his brothers voice had made Finn instinctively hunch and scan the floor in search of something that seemed important and that could not be found.  
"What...what are we looking for exactly?" Finn thumped down to his knees and started to crawl after Kurt.  
"Kurt, what am I looking for? Give me something here man."

Kurt suddenly stopped and slumped against the refridgerator:  
"It doesn't matter. It's not here anymore. Someone's cut it up. Your friends are idiots Rachel."  
Rachel was now sniveling in the other side of the kitchen and was hugging her bunny slippers in a tight grip:  
"I'm so sorry Kurt. I didn't know. I just told everyone that they could use the magazine's as well. You said you were going to throw those away anyway."  
"It wasn't a magazine! It was my sketchbook!" Kurt was knocking his body against the fridge door like a five year old in a temper tantrum.  
"I'm so sorry!"  
Finn seemed to be on the verge of tears because he didn't understand why both Kurt and Rachel were so upset this early in the morning and no one was telling him what was going on.

"It's fine!" Joe's booming voice came from right over Kurt. Kurt looked at his sketchbook now in Joe's hands.  
"Someone must have realised what they were cutting and placed it between these recipe books here. Some of the empty pages at the back have been hacked off but most of it is still there. So everyone can now calm down."

Kurt jumped up and ripped the book from Joe's hands. He skimmed over the pages and touched each one as if to reassure himself that they were still there. The book looked tarnished and violated. His thoughts seemed now to be violated.  
"How can someone do this? You can clearly see this is a notebook! Can you not? Joe realised that this was a notebook. Finn can tell this is a notebook! Your friends are stupid Rachel."  
Rachel's crying face became even sadder when she felt her general queasy state set in from the previous night's drinking.  
"I know it's a notebook and my...my friends are n...not stupid. You're stupid for leaving it lying a... around!"

"She has a point though, it was just lying around. That's how I found it." Rachel was moaning now. Joe nodded towards Finn: "She's about to hurl and by the state of her she's not going to realise until it's too late. Bathroom." Finn clambered up and more than shoved Rachel towards the bathroom.  
Kurt was now furious:  
"Of course it was lying around because this is my apartment. I can leave whatever I want lying around! All of this..." Kurt spun around "is mine. I fixed everything in here. I blocked the mouse holes and empty the dead ones out of the traps, I sealed the windows and connected the oven. I clean and I cook in here, so that gives me right to leave my shit wherever I want to. I fixed the lock on the door so we don't have to be afraid of someone sneaking in at night and killing us both in our sleep. I collect the quarters for the laundromat and pay for the internet. _I_take care of things. No one tells me what to do anymore! Ever!"

Kurt banged the sketchbook against the table and continued shouting:  
"You know what? I don't care if this would have been cut up, because it doesn't matter. This, this is nothing." He hurled the book across the living room landing it next to the TV. Pages fluttering like bird wings."It's a silly dream and I can't have it anymore or even if I want it now. It's just that sometimes, just once I want to have something, anything! I work really hard and it's stupid how little I'm ready to settle for. Like I don't have the right to wish more because it's me and not somebody else."

Kurt sat on the edge of the table and sighed: "I always settle. I fight but in the end I settle." His voice was rough from the screaming but he was resolute, he was feeling empty: "When I left Lima dad said that I could always go back home. And I know he likes his life now that it's just Carol and him but having a home doesn't sound so bad right now. Last week I even looked through and calculated what it would cost to ship my stuff back to Ohio, find a suitable apartment for Rachel, one that she could afford on her own and accept to live in and I called Isabelle and asked what kind of references I'd be getting if I left right now. I figured I'd make ends meet if I'd work just til the end of February, sell my extra Paul Smith shirts to Will at the graphics and use dad's frequent flyer miles. And that would get me just back to Lima, gods knows how I'd manage there." Kurt rubbed his temples. "I shouldn't be worried about this shit. I'm nineteen! I'm supposed to party hard and waste my brains and...shit."

Joe was laughing cautiously and sat next to Kurt.  
"Party hard?"  
"Yeah I know. My party hard's are friday night's at the Callbacks fending of crying girls left and right because they all want to be my Julia Roberts and complain about their miserable SOB boyfriends. I'd like to be bitchy and say that my girlfriend quota is already full and I don't have time and money to see those few friends already existing either so no way I can accept new applicants for the hag position. That was witty enough coming from a gay guy right?"  
"Yes, definitely. A bit crass perhaps but good enough. You'll get there eventually if you want to, but I don't think you should."  
"To turn into an Ice Queen you mean?" Kurt was swiveling his head around while regally waving his hand in the air.

"What's wrong with being emotional Kurt Hummel from Lima Ohio who can sort of design and apparently also sing?"  
"The world..."  
"And is beautiful and has elocution and a good heart?"  
"I'm...wait what?"  
"...who is beautiful and has amazing eyes." Joe's hand landed on Kurt's cheek and his thumb traced the line of the eyebrow. Kurt glanced down and felt blood rush to his cheeks: "I'm not bea..."  
"Don't say it out loud because mind can make you believe things that are not true." Kurt laughed. "Were you sent to spy on me or something?"  
"Why? Because you are not believing what I'm saying? Hey, look up. This is morning and your non existing carriages haven't turned into a pumpkin and I'm not a prince, and you made clear there aren't any mice and fairy godmothers in here, but would you consider going out for a date with me? Just the two of us. Without the distraction of Pinky and the Brain there?"

"I just insulted you and just about everyone in here and had one of the biggest meltdowns of my life, but you want to go out with me?"  
"That was a meltdown? I'm not comparing but let's just say this, and perhaps give you an ample opportunity to decline my request for a date: I had your brother sized bumper following around me for a month so that my epic meltdown wouldn't happen again and lead down to more harm than these." Joe spread his scarred hands in front of Kurt. Kurt nodded and again traced the small scars now fully on display in the daylight.  
"I'm sort of good now, but still there's lot going on in this head, but that doesn't mean what I've said about you yesterday and today aren't true." Kurt took a moment to glance around the room and swallowed: "But you have to leave today?"  
"I can come back next weekend."

The silence was overwhelming and his answer came out louder than he had expected:  
"Yes. I'll go out with you."


	8. Chapter 8

Kurt kept missing all of his deadlines and schedules during the next week. It was like everyone was out to get him and find him in the middle of some mistake of fault. No one was impressed with their swift and correct orders of coffees, iced teas and hot chocolates that he was able to deliver, or the countless proof readings he was able to produce for every single department but were instead angry at Kurt because the copy machine needed maintenance and the new courier guy kept getting his deliveries wrong.

On top of everything the servers had stopped working on Thursday morning and Kurt had tried valiantly get someone to fix the site and get it up and running as soon as possible. Isabelle had been on the edge that day and had become completely hysterical when she had realised that no one wasn't able to access the site on a day that was general presentation day at the actual magazine. After severe head ache and heart palpitation and what felt like million calls later a small voice at the end of the phone line had finally listened to Kurt and fixed the problem in just a minute. Kurt had profusely thanked the anonymous computer nerd and sworn his eternal gratitude and love for the puzzled man at the end of the line.

He'd spent a better part of the Friday wrapping up the courage to present the theatre costume story for the main features editor but now the torn sketch book looked like a third graders craft work held up with tape and glue. His own sketches were intertwined with stage photos of recent, successful off-Broadway productions and transcripts from inspirational discussion he'd had with the costumers. But still he was getting both irritated about his own lack of enthusiasm as well as the lingering self doubt. If he didn't have the knack for the job then why would have Isabelle hired him?

By the time he left work and sat amongst the rest of the weary workers heading home to Brooklyn he was nodding off and had completely forgotten he'd agreed to go out at all this weekend until a man in an uniform had passed him in the stairs. He'd agreed to go to a date with an actual man. An actual man who probably had more experience and would find Kurt far too naive or childish, or worse a prune.

Train was yet again packed with sweaty fidgety people but his non-present stare was aimed at the happy face of the brunette lady advertising the the hormone birth control. She seemed so happy running in the large field of red and blue lilacs. Kurt just smiled to himself and thought he has to be the most childish man ever sent to New York and trying to make it. Field of lilacs...now that he knew what sex was then having the idea of a field and sex put together was ridiculous. Bed had been just as good. Thinking about Blaine made him depressed. He shouldn't still be thinking about his ex-boyfriend, not matter how much they had agreed on being just friends.

Combining the thoughts of Blaine and Joe made Kurt even more insecure about agreeing to go out with Joe. Maybe he wasn't ready or that Joe would somehow back out of it. Perhaps going out for a date in somewhere other than Breadstixs would make him look like a country hick.

The streets were filled with people ready to go out and enjoy the night and Kurt felt like a walking dead among all that perkiness and the anticipation of the starting weekend. He pulled himself up the stairs and slouched down to the couch in his coat and fell asleep with his head hanging loosely on the armrest and legs roughly placed on the coffee table. After some time he woke up and felt a little disorientated for a while and realised that his phone had beeped for a text message. He was horrified at the crumpled jacket that was tightly still wrapped around him.

He grabbed his phone:

On the train now. Got time for a weary traveller tonight?

Kurt took a breath and with combined anger for his jacket and the message shouted out loud:"Oh shit!" just as Rachel was walking in.

"What's wrong babe?"

"Nothing. I don't know, everything. I fell asleep in my clothes...again. And I'm not ready. I don't know why I agreed. And I definitely should back out but I can't anymore because he's already on his way. I don't know how to do all...this. Where are we even going? How does one go to a date? What is wrong with me Rachel?"

Rachel grabbed Kurt by his sleeve and pinched his right ear lobe with a tight squeeze:

"OW! What did you do that for? What is the matter with you?"

"No, what is the matter with YOU? Freaking out like that?" Rachel sat down and pulled Kurt down with him: So you're going on a date. What is the big deal?"

"I don't date...I mean I haven't dated, like ever."

"You and Blaine dated."

"No we didn't."

Rachel seemed to think about the matter.

"OK I agree, you might not have actually gone to a Date Date but now's a good time to start. It's not like you forced him to take you out on a date. He asked _you_ right?"

Kurt thought about that Sunday evening when Joe and Finn were packing their stuff and leaving and Kurt had walked down the stairs with Joe. Him and Joe had slowly descended the stairs after Finn and just before the front door Joe had grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him into a small alcove next to the door and let Finn exit the building:

"You can say no, you know. And I will not be upset."

"As in No to the date? Do you want me say no?"

Joe had looked around everywhere but into Kurt's eyes:

"I don't want you to say yes just because you didn't know how to say no."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You are a good man and I can see that you are not used to disagreeing with people."

Kurt had pondered about that for awhile before his thoughts were intercepted by Joe's snicker:

"Stop thinking so hard you'll get frown lines."

"You asked me a serious question in this dark corner." Kurt was laughing "And I don't have frown lines."

"You have one here." Joe extended his hand to touch Kurt's forehead with his index finger and ran it down to the tip of his nose and seemed instantaneously shocked from his own actions: "Now I've apparently advanced into a weirdo section." Joe had pulled his hand away and Kurt had grabbed it.

"Like I said this morning: I'd like to go out with you. It's just not something that I've done in a long time and even then...but yes I'd like to go out with you and that is something I don't have to think about.

Joe's face had melted into a smile:

"OK, we'll see this one out then. Friday?"

"Friday."

And now it was that Friday and Kurt was freaking out. Why did everything sound like a good idea but then when push came to shove it turned terrifying. Rachel was still talking:

"...I mean I was horrible at our first date so don't expect much from it or you'll ruin it at the very start. I'm sure it'll go fine. Are you wearing that?"

"This. Oh shit! I look like a wet dish rag!"

"I think you look nice."

"No I don't! And it's too late to change."

"He's not dating your clothes."

"He knows that I know about clothes and he knows that I know that he knows about clothes as well."

"Really? So you both know a lot about clothes. That's good then." Rachel was giggling now.

He was about to run for his emergency get-ready-now-part of his closet when the intercom buzzed alive.

"No don't open the door yet."

"Well you can't make him wait downstairs either. That would be rude." And with that Rachel buzzed him in.

"Gee thanks. Remind me when you are screaming that I should slow Brody down the next time he's on his way! Why am I even doing anything? He's already seen my Tweety shirt and morning hair."

"Exactly. That's my boy! Sorry I don't know why I said that." Rachel had produced a massive bag of gummy bears from her candy hide was now trying to pull open the bag with all of her might.

"So you're just going to sit here and eat those?"

"Yes. And watch Funny Girl again because I just can't get that one note right. It's amazing how horrible my Sadie sounded today at the music room. I reserve you for Monday to listen that I get that one right and back me with the piano. I think I might have upset Reese when I said he subconsciously always want to up the tempo."

There was a knock on the door and Rachel ran to open it: "You just stay right there looking gorgeous babe."

Joe was standing at the door with a small bunch of yellow gerberas. Kurt was straightening his sleeves then crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow:

"Flowers?"

Joe scrunched his face and added a doubtful click with his tongue:

"I don't know. I was waiting to see your face. No? Well, beautiful flowers for the lady by the door then." Joe turned towards Rachel and did a small curtsy towards her. Rachel smiled like it would have been her birthday:

"Flowers Kurt! Flowers! You love flowers...but then again so do I. Oh they are lovely and what a lovely thought. Obviously he can't take them with you guys so why don't I just take them of your You officer, have a gummy bear for your troubles." Rachel was handing the still closed bag of candy to Joe.

"You sure? It's still closed."

"Oh I don't mind. Take as many as you like." And with that Rachel grabbed the flowers and marched towards the kitchen.

Joe was left holding the candy and a look of astonishment in his face: "She's good at that isn't she?"

Kurt walked up to him and took the candy bag from Joe.

"She can not open these by herself." Kurt opened the bag with a strong rip and placed it on top of the hallway table. "Flowers? It it a nice thought. Last time I got flowers it was for amends not out of... Oh well, yes I like getting flowers."

"Good, because some guys...well it's good to know. Shall we then?"

At the train Kurt sat next to Joe so that their thighs were barely touching. Both men were quite silent during the journey and just watched other people fill the carriage.

After getting of the train at the Bowling Green Kurt continued silently following Joe to small service street behind a gray and dirty building.

"You're not leading me into somewhere seedy or dangerous now are you?"

"I hope you don't mind but I chose this place because one of my old friends works in. He got us a table overlooking the river. It's not perhaps a good place for a first date but I've been here couple of times and the view is amazing."

Just as Kurt was about to answer and remind Joe that New York still had it's dark corners a man stepped outside from a side door for a smoke and seemed genuinely glad to see Joe standing right infront of him:

"Fuck me! You are a man that is always on schedule, how the hell you do that?"

"A lot of practise, lot of practise Mark. It's not really that hard." They shared a hug which seemed to linger until Mark pulled away from it:

"So how you've been? I meant to call but it's not easy right now."

"Oh don't worry we've all had our shit."

The silent moment felt longer than it actually was and Kurt cleared his throat .

"Yes, sorry. Mark this is Kurt. Kurt this is Mark an old friend of mine."

"Yours? Oh sweetheart I've always hated you. I was Tim's friend well before yours." Mark stepped forward and shook Kurt's hand.

Joe looked shocked:

"What? You don't like me?"

"Never. Come on. Let's get up there. I shouldn't be smoking anyway." and with that he threw his unlit cigarette to the ground.

"Up where?" Kurt as looking inquisitively as they stepped inside the service elevator.

"I set the table and Louise is your waiter today. She's new but she's good and this is good VIP practise for her."

The elevator stopped and they were ushered into a small terrace overlooking the harbour. Kurt stopped at the sight and leaned to the railing.

Mark looked at the view:

"It's beautiful right? Wait until the sunset." Joe took a hold of Marks shoulder:

"Thank You for this."

Mark swatted his hand.

"Don't, it's still a little bit too cold and people prefer windows. Louise will bring you blankets if it gets too cold. That's your table, she'll be here in a moment. Enjoy your dinner."

Kurt was admiring the view. There was a slight wind and there were all kinds of boats crossing the river even a huge sail boat with full sails weaving along the river. Seagulls were screaming and somewhere a boat blew into its horn. He'd been in New York for more than six months but looking at the river and the Statue of Liberty from here made him feel he hadn't seen anything yet. His grip from the railing tightened and he began chastising himself for giving up so easily. He could build his trust and confidence up again. Just like he had done before. He had never given up before so why should he do so now that he was in the place of his dreams, in New York. Joe was leaning next to him:

"Like the view?"

Kurt felt his eyes were watering and started to blink vigorously. It's like seeing the edge of the island intensified his homesickness and at the same time made it seem stupid and silly. He had already been a success: he'd made it _into_ here, gotten a highly desirable job and still had the guts to reapply to NYADA...and he was at a date in a rooftop terrace with a perfect gentleman.

"Very much yes. It's beautiful."

"Hey, you OK? Is it still too cold?"

"No. I'm just thinking of how much I've already missed in my life being miserable."

"We should stop doing that then. Care to join me to the table?"

Kurt let Joe pull out a chair for him and sat down. Soon a small smiling girl showed up with a bottle of sparkling wine. "How are you doing? I'm your waiter for tonight. This is a compliment from Mark."

"Thank You." After taking their orders she disappeared as silently as she had appeared.

"How do you pull a thing like this? I think I should be learning something from you?" Kurt was smiling.

"Well like I said Mark is an old friend and I think this view is magnificent. I'm not saying skyliners aren't perfect for dinners, but I love the sea and you don't need to climb into the sky to find a perfect moment."

"So calling in a favor?"

"No, not actually. Tim loved this place and used to come here all the time, I sometimes tagged along."

"Was he the "older" brother?"

"Yeah. By two years."

"I wish I had had a brother or a sister. I could have shared all kinds of secrets with them. I mean dad and mom did the best they could but I was an enthusiastic kid. If it hadn't been for dads old VCR and dance school I think both of them would have suffered a breakdown before my fourth birthday. Dad especially."

"When did your dad and Finn's mom got together?"

"Just three years ago."

"Oh, so it was just you and your dad for a very long time?"

"Yeah. Almost eight years. We got along. No, now I'm not being truthful. Dad might have never during those eight years said it outloud but he always loved me for what I was so...let's not talk about dad, I'll start missing him."

By the time they finished their dinner Kurt was feeling relaxed and the sun was starting to set. He moved to the edge of the terrace. Joe walked over and leaned against the railing and looked at the people walking down at the park in the darkening evening.

"Everyone has somewhere to go, especially here in New York. They always run and refuse to stop to think about their lives. Stopping is considered equal to death, when in fact stopping to admire something could save lives."

Joe pushed his hands deep into the pockets. Night was going to be extra chilly and Kurt pulled his jacket tighter around his body and closed the top buttons.

"I know I'm too young to talk about slowing down but that's the fashionable thing to do right?" Joe gave him a questioning look.

"I would not know. I suppose I like it when I don't have time to think."

"Isn't thinking really a necessity in your job?"

"What do you think you I do at work all day?"

"I have no idea...draw and write?"

"Well I do general research, lots of proof reading and I make mean cup of coffee with shitter equipment than in the Lima Bean...I don't know."

"So you are not singing anymore then?"

Kurt stopped to think. Ever since his NYADA reapply last month singing had not been on his to-do-list right at the present time. The decision to defer his successful admission to next fall just seemed the only complete decision he'd made about singing so far.

"Not really no. I miss it though to be honest but it just... hurts too much. Ever since last summer I've become uncertain of what I should be doing. Or if the decisions that I make are good and solid."

The bright orange sky light their faces. Some park lights had been turned on and cars headlamps were starting their nocturnal flashing. Mark had been right: it was getting colder up here and quick. Kurt turned Joe towards him and slipped his hands along the mans own hands in his jacket pockets. "Thank You for the dinner. I had a nice time and this is my next decision."

Kurt leaned in and pressed his lips against Joes. His lips were cold but at the same time warm. Kurt pulled their bodies against each other. He opened his mouth slightly and nibbed Joe's lower lip which caused the man to lean in closer. Kurt could taste the red wine they had shared during the dinner in Joe's tongue. Kurt was beginning to hesitate in his actions and let Joe trace his lips instead and as if Joe had noticed this he moved his lips to kiss Kurt's neck instead. Joe's warm breath ran inside his jacket and made Kurt shiver and tilt his head. Last rays of sun hit his eyelids and made them flutter. He had missed touching and being touched by someone like this so much. Just slow letting go and making you feel good.

Joe traced his lips along Kurt's neck, cheek and forehead, giving each spot a warming kiss. After a moment Joe pulled his head back and Kurt opened his eyes seeing Joe just staring at his face: "You are so beautiful. Inside and out."

"I thought I'd be all out and proud now that I was give a 'permit' but for some reason I'm not. You know, feeling the need to rub it into everyones faces just because" Joe was looking at him with questioning look. "I am still not sure my dad realises that I am actually 100 percent gay. He is waiting for me to grow up. Maybe he expected that after my tour I would change and...turn back into what I was...aaaand I don't know why I'm bringing this up now."

Kurt shook his head: "Don't worry. What was that? What were you before then?"

"I was a nobody, I guess I still am but with more soul and...feist."

"Feist? I would not call you feisty."

"No? You are making me question myself here." Joe was watching at the last glimmers of sunset and pulled his hands away from the pockets and crossed his them over the railing. Kurt was still holding his arms around Joe's waist whilst his hands were in the warmed up pockets. They were standing somewhat awkwardly side by side but neither felt the need to move further apart. "I was insecure and angry and I would deliberately drive over the speed limit without seat belt and call bigger guys idiots. I guess I was fighting myself. Military physc's would have probably called me self destructive and I'd have to agree with them, I was acting all over the place."

"But you made it, not a lot of kids do." Kurt was now frowning, should he say something about Karofsky. No he better not.

"It's getting cold and dark and we missed the sunset now." Joe turned facing Kurt and was acting out a leading hand back towards the doors. When Kurt was walking alongside him Joe lightly padded his back:

"I'm really glad we met."

Kurt was humming inside.


End file.
